More Than “Kin” or “Kind”: How Empathy is Vital to Strong Management

There’s a famous line in the play Hamlet, which you probably read back when you were in 11th grade, where the eponymous and chronically inactive antihero is complaining about his widowed mother’s recent remarriage. Hamlet sardonically quips that Claudius is “more than kin, and less than kind”—they’re now extra related (since Claudius is both his uncle and his step-dad), and yet their relationship is absolutely no better for it. There’s also an ironic implication (and here’s where you can tell that Ilana was an English major) that we all usually feel the most kindness towards people who are our kin—but Hamlet feels particularly betrayed by his uncle’s and mom’s decision, and is very unkindly disposed towards them both as a result. (He needs to grow up and get some hobbies, but that’s a separate issue.)

That last idea, of kin and kindness, is important to consider in our interpersonal relationships, and in business in particular. The idea that managers and other heads need to lead with kindness is well-worn, but not carefully examined; kindness is a nebulous concept, without a clear set of actions behind it. It’s passive—you can be kind without actively doing anything, just so long as you don’t do something unkind. Like, don’t hurt small woodland animals. Don’t purposefully steal your co-worker’s lunch from the office kitchen. Don’t tell the person in the cubicle next to you that her new haircut makes her look like a sea urchin. All of these behaviors are kind. And the ugly truth is that, often, we are (even unintentionally) the most kind to people whom we view as being like us—in other words, those with whom we feel a sense of being kin—without extending effort towards those we see as different or “other” than ourselves.

The issue of our kindness towards those we view as our kin, versus those we don’t, is particularly problematic from a DEI perspective. A 2020 Gallup poll revealed that approximately one third of Black adults experience microaggressions—subtle expressions of racism, hostility, or discrimination. In some cases the perpetrators of these behaviors may be unaware of their biases, or the impact of their behaviors, thinking that they are being kind when they tell a person of color that they’re “very articulate,” ask to touch their hair, tell them “you aren’t like the other Black people I know,” or otherwise treat them with condescension. These microaggressions make the workplace a toxic and uncomfortable place for marginalized identity groups (minorities based on race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation), contribute notably to employee attrition—not good, in a global talent shortage—and set companies up for a slew of lawsuits. Clearly, teaching kindness isn’t a sufficient answer to this problem. So what is?

Increasing research shows that empathy provides a far better path to creating an inclusive and equitable workplace that leverages diverse individuals’ talents. While they are often confused, empathy is different from kindness. Empathy is a many-pronged approach to valuing a whole person. It involves:

• Showing interest in and awareness of employees’ or team members lives
• Being able to identify with them, or put yourself in their shoes
• Being an active and attentive listener
• Validating their concerns in a non-dismissive way
• Identifying and considering their feelings and needs, and responding appropriately
• Sharing who you are in return, in an authentic way

Popular misconception is that empathy is feeling sorry for everyone, or being “nice” to everyone, or sort of abstractly thinking, “Oh, that’s so sad” about someone else’s problems. These simplistic and inaccurate descriptions just obscure understanding of this important concept, and allow those who remain ignorant about empathy to continue behaviors that may be creating an uncomfortable workplace for their colleagues or teammates.

Research supports the business case for empathy, with a whopping 90 percent of employees stating they’re more likely to remain in an empathetic company, and to be correspondingly engaged and motivated to do well at their job. And 87% of their CEOs realize that empathy levels within a company have a significant impact on that company’s bottom line. Yet, while 92% of these same CEOs are sure their companies are very empathetic, only about three quarters of their employees agreed. There’s also a persistent racial empathy gap that is well-documented: problematically, people struggle to feel empathy for those of different races from their own—that is, people they do not view as their “kin.” These findings only underscore the importance of teaching managers and team leaders to interact empathetically with their respective teams or subordinates, and to model these behaviors consistently for other employees within their respective workplaces.

This isn’t to say kindness isn’t important—after all, if the play Hamlet teaches us anything, it’s that if you’re not feeling kind, everyone’s going to end up either stabbed behind a curtain, drowned, or in a duel with poison-tipped swords. So obviously, that’s a must-miss, two-thumbs-down, no-family-fun situation. But in the era where settling workplace rivalries with a fight to the death is usually frowned upon, at least by HR if no one else, taking an empathetic approach—both to managing conflicts, and to daily interactions—is a professional “must do.” We’ll be talking more about this in future posts, but for now, learning about empathy (and considering how to train your people to be empathetic) should be a priority for forward-thinking and reflective managers and team leaders.